Fear Revisited

I have this reoccurring fear. I am afraid that I will disappoint the people who care about me. Once I disappoint them, I am afraid they will no longer like me. So, I do everything I can think of to please the people around me. I say I agree with them when I don't. I laugh at the their jokes that aren't funny. I agree to do things I don't have time for or interest in doing. Then when I am unable to meet someone's expectations, I hide from them. That is the easier thing to do. Better to think someone is disappointed in me than to know I have failed.

This fearful person is a liar. I do not like this person. I chastise myself for not being the person I want to be while I remain in hiding, my heart paralyzed by the fear.

Why am I so afraid of what other people think?

Reading my Bible, I find a story near the beginning about Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were hiding from God knowing they had disappointed Him. They had been friends with God. They walked with Him often in the evenings. Now, they didn't want to face Him. I wonder if they were afraid God would no longer love them when He found out how they had disappointed Him. This is my greatest fear. I fear I will disappoint God and He will no longer love me.

At first I think God no longer loves Adam and Eve because He throws them out of the garden, never to return. If that were not enough, he curses Adam and Eve causing work and child birth to become more difficult and painful. But then I read something that seems out of place. God gives them clothes. A new picture came to my mind. I now saw Adam and Eve like a couple of teenagers who have knowingly broken the house rules. God, as a responsible parent, is enforcing the rules and the punishment for the infraction. So, as these rebellious teenagers are sent out of the house, this loving parent God filled with love and concern makes sure they have clothes.

I don't like the consequences of my actions. Especially when it disappoints someone I love. But, I am finding that people don't love me for what I do. They love me for who I am. This is even more true about God because God loves perfectly when we do not. In Hebrews 13:5 He says He will never leave us or reject us. There is no condition to this promise.

I am still afraid. I think because I don't completely understand yet. But the more I look at God, the more I learn about Him, the more I spend time with Him and really get to know God, the less I am afraid.