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It has been three weeks since my last post. I have been really struggling during this time. When I'm around people, I forget about my struggles and enjoy the company. People, like aspirin, kill the pain so I forget anything is wrong. But, when I return to my lonely apartment, the medicine wears off and I am faced with the reality of a hearting soul. What do I do? I find other pain killers. Instead of facing the problems, I go after the symptoms. The longer I continue killing the pain, the more the wound festers.
Why am I so afraid to treat the problem? Fix the problem, the symptoms go away and life is better, right? I find myself staring at a rope bridge spanning a canyon over a raging river. Fear clutches my mind and soul leaving me paralyzed. I know I need to cross. But all I can see is the bridge swaying in the wind. The missing boards make me wonder which of the others are the next to go. I don't want to fall.
I am afraid of reality, so I escape to a fantasy world. A world in which everything goes my way. A world where there is no pain. Maybe something goes wrong once in a while, but it is something I can handle. I never accomplish anything. I am passified. Entertained. After a while, I find myself... bored.
Now I am back to the real world. Do I have what it takes? I'm afraid I don't. In the real world, there is no bridge. In the real world I face people who I might disappoint. Others who I might hurt. Dreams I might not catch if I chase them. I could be hurt by people who get close to me.
All these things have happened before, leaving me cut to the core of my soul. I wonder, was it worth it? If the answer is no, I am left with two options. Spend the rest of my time here on earth existing. Not alive but not dead. Or, kill myself now and spare myself the trouble. Neither of these options have any appeal to me.
Truth is, I want to live. I want to make a difference. To have confidence in who I am and why I'm here. It is a dream I'm afraid is too good to be true. Why would anybody waste his time with me? I'm nobody. I have no higher education, no degree. I have no accomplishments. I have wasted my opportunities.
I would like to wrap this up with a nice bit of encouragment telling how I found enlightenment and have found my way out of this funk. I would like to say I'm back to my old self and the future looks bright and I am full of hope. Right now I feel like a failure. I know my perspective is totally selfish. I know there are a lot of others who face harder lives than I. Somehow, this perspective leaves me looking even more pitiful.
This is partly why I have not written. I have been hurt, frustrated and angy. I have nothing to say to encourage. I have no bit of wisdom to share. I am counting on my belief in God to come through for me. That He won't leave me or forsake me, like Hebrews 13:5 says. I am banking on Romans 8:32 that says, "Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son—will he not also freely give us all things?" (TEV)
Dear Lord,
I don't know what to do. I can't see You and this is scary to me. I want to know You are here and that You are caring for me. I look around and I see people who shun You and they look so happy. I have desired to live for You, yet it seems I have not been rewarded but punished. Help me to see the truth. I want to really live.
4 years ago
1 comment:
Goodness! You sound just like David in the Psalms. He said all the same things but in a different way. I'm praying for you bro! I'm hoping you will come to the same conclusions David did. You are both such wonderful psalmists. Perhaps the answer will come through your music?
Like Elihu said in the book of Job, "God does speak..."
It's more a matter of finding the position where we can hear. God used to speak to me through dreams, and I think that was because that was the only time I was still.
God spoke to David through his music. Perhaps that's a place you will be able to hear?
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