Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Who Am I?

Sometimes I think there are two people living in this body. One is positive thinking, ready to take on the world. The other is scared, always hiding where it's safe. I like positive Phil. He's fun to be around, people respect him and he makes a difference. Scared Phil, on the other hand, I loathe. He believes he has failed even before he tries. He believes people tolerate him. I want positive Phil to live and scared Phil to die.

So why does scared Phil keep showing up? How do I get rid of him, permanently? It's like he's handcuffed to me and I'm stuck with him until one of us has served his time. Why is positive Phil missing when I need him most? He comes, visits, then goes back to where ever he came from.

When I was a kid, I wanted my own section of the garden. Dad gave me a row and I planted what I wanted in my row. Tomatoes, bell peppers and corn. Having my own row in the garden meant I was responsible for the care of that row. I'd come home from school, go out to the garden and water my row. Every day I hoped to see one of the plants poking up out of the ground. Four or five days had passed, I had watered them as I was taught and still, there wasn't a sprout to be seen. I grew frustrated. This garden wasn't fun anymore. It was work. It wasn't long until I was giving my bike the attention my garden needed. My plants didn't grow well. They didn't produce much and what they did produce wasn't very good. I had a good crop of weeds, though. I wanted to have a good garden, but wanting didn't get me a good garden.

What if the two Phils are like my garden? What am I doing to nurture positive Phil? Or have I grown impatient because I haven't seen results after a couple of days? One thing's for sure, scared Phil grows, even when I'm not trying to grow him. Growing positive Phil is hard work. I want positive Phil to grow, but just wanting won't make it happen.


Anonymous said...

Glad to see another blog... this is good, liked it lots... reminds me of the native story where the grandfather and his grandson are talking about 2 wolves being inside all of us, one white -- one black and they are constantly fighting. the grandson asks which one is winning... the grandfather says, whichever one I feed.
Blessings to you, I'm still contemplating the last blog, thanks for the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, you've described many of us. Well, me for sure. This I know: the duality will continue as long as I breathe Earth's air. But if I tend the garden and pull the weeds, the balance will shift. A lot I hope. However, it'd best be a heavenly hoe I use to dig out those demon weeds. You stated it well. It's work. Hard, hard, hard work. We need to ride that bike, but never neglect the work. So, that's my take, Phil. Be not weary in well doing!!