Courage

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die" --G.K. Chesterton

Do you ever get the feeling God is trying to tell you something? For the past four or five weeks, I have heard a consistent theme from sermons, movies, reading, and friends. So much so, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I'm a little slow and that's why God keeps repeating Himself.

This year begins the fourth year of taking writing classes and pursuing writing as something more than a hobby. After writing a piece that was published and praised by fellow authors, I have not yet submitted another piece for publication. In fact, this blog represents most of my writing since then. Truth is, I'm afraid.

Of what am I afraid? Rejection, not measuring up. I am afraid of the long journey required for me to write seriously. I am afraid to invest the time and effort, pouring heart and soul into the work so someone can tell me they don't like it or that it isn't good enough. It's safer not to write and open my heart and soul for criticism.

Last night I started reading "Germ" by Robert Liparulo to find this quote from G.K. Chesterton about courage. When I read it, I wanted it to be true of me. Immediately, I thought about my fears in writing and sharing my writing. Chasing those thoughts were others reminding me no one has succeeded without having to face fear and the possibility of failure. These are people who would rather die trying than to simply exist, not really living at all.

So, I am faced with a choice. Dig in and write with fear yapping in my ear trying to convince me of what I can't do, or listen to fear and remain in a comfortable existence where nothing changes except the calendar.

I want to live with courage and live. How 'bout you?

You Are Loved

I was cruising the net when I came across this video. Being reminded that I am loved is something I don't get tired of. A week from today is Christmas day--the day we remember Jesus' birth. The day we remember that God so loved us, He gave us His Son.

A New Frontier

Perhaps yesterday's post was confusing. No explaination or resolution, just a dark story. Not to worry, there's more to the story. I have decided to try my hand in penning fictional stories in addition to what I've been posting on this blog. The fictional writings will be posted on another blog. If you're curious enough to continue reading, the rest of the story will not be posted here, so you will have to make note. The address is philsfiction.blogspot.com.

Flash. The momentary brightness left the darkness blacker, if that were possible. Boom. The thunder sounded on the heels of the disapating flash. Rain pelted my face, driven by an angry wind. My stomach clinched as the floor left my feet. It was not long gone, coming back to smack me in the rear. Rolling onto my hands and knees, my body convulsed, my stomach trying to rid itself of what was already long gone. I felt my scream leaving my throat as I dry heaved, but I couldn't hear it above the roaring waves.

Flash. Where am I? How did I get here? Boom. I'm alone with this ocean. This ocean bent on destroying me. Spitting in my face, beating my body, stripping me of any dignity. What have I done to deserve this?

Flash. In the split second of light, I saw the ocean around me. It looked more like the rolling hills of Kentucky than the Pacific. Boom. Which way to land? I was blind and deaf, even if I had any strength left to do anything about it anyway.

Flash. My life was speeding through my mind. Boom. Staring into the maw of this watery grave, I realized this was the end. I'm dying. Black.

Thankful: Day 2

I have been truly blessed for an opportunity to grow and learn to love others better. Life Skills International has a course called Learning to Live, Learning to Love. This six month course has shown me how I have hurt myself and others for many years because of things I falsely believed to be true. For many years I have hidden from people I love because I have been afraid they wouldn't like the real me. This is a battle I continue to fight, but I now have tools and knowledge to fight a winning battle instead of losing again and again. I am thankful for the opportunity to take this class, to become healthier emotionally, to be freed to live and love. I am thankful for Living Waters Counselling, Dr. Randy Young, and Pastor Jay Milojevich for bringing this class to Medford, Oregon and being positive, encouraging influences in my life.

Thankful: Day 1

In light of this being Thanksgiving week, I thought I would take this opportunity to express publicly what I am thankful for. I would love to hear your thanks, too. Please use the feedback button and add your thoughts. Anonymous posts will not be rejected, so if you're shy no one will have to know who you are. Today's subject: God.

God, I would like to thank You for being a real part of my life. I'm thankful that You're not an impersonal force, but an individual Who takes an interest in me as a unique individual. Thank You for Your promise to never leave me. So far You've kept that promise and I believe You always will. Lord, I've been hurt, disappointed and defeated this year. You didn't save me from it, but You were with me through it. Thank You. You can take anything meant for evil and use it for good. That is awesome and I love You for that. Not only are You the source of my life, You are the reason for living life. I admire that You are creative, humorous and passionate. I publicly embrace You as my God, my King and my Savior.

Broken Praise

At church this weekend, I had the opportunity to hear one of the most beautiful offerings of praise I have ever heard. Andrew sang Give Thanks accompanied by piano and flute. Nothing extraordinary. A simple solo with simple accompaniment. Still, this offering is one I will not soon forget.

You see, Andrew is handicapped. At 11 or 12 years old, his body has not developed the way it was supposed to. He cannot walk. He cannot use a wheelchair. He cannot even keep himself from drooling. He is completely dependant for his every need.

So as I listened to Andrew singing with his broken voice, unable to stay with the melody, I was moved to tears. It wasn't his talent that made his offering beautiful. It was his heart and his desire to express his heart publicly, regardless of what people thought. I was ashamed for every time I have played for the people's praise instead of from my desire to express my love for God. These thoughts had barely sunk in when Andrew sang, "Now let the weak say I am strong ... because of what the Lord has done ... Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give thanks."

Seeing, hearing someone so broken, so weak singing these words brought a whole new understanding for me. I may not be handicapped the way Andrew is, but I am handicapped. Perhaps my handicap was more crippling because I was so blind to it. I have been handicapped by sin, pride, and my selfish desires. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I couldn't honestly sing that song. I didn't have a grateful heart.

I believe it is broken praise that God most desires. In the Old Testament, God told His people that their offerings were offensive to Him because they hearts weren't in it. He knows who and what we are. He isn't impressed by how practiced or professional we sound. He isn't Simon from American Idol looking for how our praise isn't good enough. No, His favorite offerings are broken praises that come from hearts that love Him.

What I Really Want

I was reading past entries in my journal when I found this. Somehow this thinking was lost since I pinned these words. This time I have decided to declare it publicly.

I realize I have been looking all over for something to satisfy my soul. I have been a collector of stuff. I have played games. All said, I have lived so as to make my life as comfortable and pleasurable as possible. But that isn't what I really want. I want to make a difference. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to be a hero of sorts. Instead of going out and spending my life on this pursuit, I have stayed home and tried to save my life. Now I see that as I clung so desperately, my life oozed out from between my fingers leaving me without the life I tried to save, having spent it on nothing.

Lord, I want to live valiantly for You and Your kingdom. I want to spend my life living for You. Help me to see when I am living out of selfishness instead of love. Fill me with You so I can be filled with love. Fill me to overflowing. Help me to spend it lavishly.

What Does Life Mean?

Meaningless. It's all meaningless. That's what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes. One man works hard, saves his money his whole life. In the end, he dies. He can't buy life. So what does his life mean? I can't help but feel hollow thinking of living my life for money. What I would have to sacrifice to achieve great wealth? Can money love, encourage, or simply give company when I'm lonely?

If I'm not living for money, what am I living for? Wealth can be measured in more than money. While money has some appeal, I am more drawn to pleasure. A person doesn't have to be wealthy to indulge in pleasure, either. I can hang out with my friends for no cost and have a great time. Lately, I've found I will choose to have fun with my friends when I shouldn't. I short myself on sleep. Laundy is left unwashed. Obligations are forgotten. Is this really what life is about? When I get to the end of my life, will I be satisfied that I had a good time?

There are so many pulls on my life. Do this, go here, buy that. The commercials always show beautiful people completely satisfied. I guess ugly fat people who are miseralbe don't inspire people to go for a product. How do I get to be good looking and happy instead of fat and miserable?

I woke up this morning with a bad taste in my gut. I had a whole day in front of my to use however I wanted. Problem was I wanted to save it, not waste it. As I hemmed and hawed deciding how to best take advantage of my day, half of it slipped away. I wanted to what I would most enjoy and now half of it has been used for nothing. I wish I could say that is only true of today. However, I see that I have lived my whole life this way.

What is the meaning of my life? The question Solomon asked. The question The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had fun with. With all the resources available to help people find the answer, you'd think this question would have been answered. Maybe my problem isn't in finding the answer, but in finally deciding to live it. I read a quote that goes something like this, "Life was meant to be spent, not saved." This quote has haunted me since I read it. I think because I know I have been trying to save my life. Today, I am deciding to spend my life on something. Not something that will leave me hollow in the end like money or pleasure. I want to my life to mean something to somebody. I want to make a difference in this world. Jesus said, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." I hear him saying, "Follow me, and I will give your life meaning."

Where's My Easy Button?

Have you seen the commercials with the easy button? People who find themselves in difficult situation reach for a red button and everything turns out fine. I would like one of those buttons. It would be particularly useful on days when everything is going wrong. Or those times something pops up at just the wrong time. Just one click of the easy button and everything is back to smooth sailing. The other day I saw one of these buttons for sale at the store. I pushed the button only to hear a voice commenting on how easy that was. What a disappointment! My difficulties were still staring me in the face, smirking at the Easy Button.

Life is full of difficulties. If your life is like mine, the difficulties come at the most inconvenient times. Expenses come when money is already thin. At the end of a frustrating day, an irritating person enters the scene. Without an easy fix, I sometimes want to run away and hide.

This is not the time to run and hide, but to stand. Arnold didn't get his muscles by working out only when he felt like it. Even though I know and understand this, it is when I don't feel like standing when the difficulties come. I think of 78 reasons for why its ok for me not to stand today. Lately I have found I'm ashamed of myself when I give in to fear, when I listen to my reasons and I don't stand in my time of difficulties. In the end, the difficuly didn't crush me like I thought it would. Instead, the difficulty is an opportunity for me to grow.

For now, I'll let Staples have their Easy Buttons. Not just because they don't work, but because I would rather go through the difficulty and come out stronger than I was going in.

How Far Is Too Far?

To say that we live in a sexually charged society would be stating the obvious. As a single Christian, I know it's God's desire for me to be sexually pure. Every person I talk to has drawn a different line in the sand that shouldn't be crossed. So how far is too far? I found a new perspective in John Thomas' answer at Boundless Webzine. Even though his answer is being applied to sexuality, it can be applied to anything in question of how far is too far?

Boundless Answers: How Far Is Too Far?

Thirsty

Empty. Nothing left. It had been full when I started my journey, but now my water bottle was bone dry. I thought I had more than I needed. In fact, I was happy to share with anyone who asked. When I saw I was nearing the bottom, I guarded it carefully. Taking only a sip now and then, I made it last as long as possible. That last drop was several hot miles ago.

"Lookin' kinda thirsty." Startled, I looked for the source of the voice. He looked as old as the dirt he wore.

"I ran out of water the day before yesterday. This bottle was full when I started out. I thought I'd have more than enough."

"How long ago was that?"

"A week ago."

"Why don't you fill it up again?"

"What?"

He cocked his head and raised one eye brow. "Well, let's think about this. Your thirsty. Problem is your water bottle's empty. Way I figure it, the way to solve both your problems is to refill your water bottle." He chuckled, I assume in reaction to the look on my face. "How long have you been walking beside this creek with an empty water bottle?"

* * * * *

I started my spiritual walk with my heart full and overflowing. I was so full up with God and His love, there was no way I'd ever run out. I shared with anybody and everybody. After a couple of years, I got settled into my walk. I realized my heart wasn't overflowing like it was, but I still had plenty. One morning I woke up and realized my heart was almost empty. There was a little left and I made it last as long as I could. Inevitably, the day came when I was bone dry. I was becoming a walking dead man. I was dying of thirst within reach of the Water of Life.

Taking time to spend with God is challenging to me. The alarm clock already goes off too early. It's all I can do to get to work on time already. The rest of the day is spent trying to keep up. Night time comes and I am so tired, I cannot stay awake for fifteen minutes with God. Tomorrow, the whole cycle starts again.

It is easy for me to forget about spiritual realities in this physical world. I'm dying of spiritual thirst while focused on things that are dehydrating me. Meanwhile, I'm walking right next to an endless, pure Source. Thankfully, He doesn't hang me out to dry. He continues to persue me, continues to remind me where real life can be found.

The Battle For a Man's Heart

Pornography is a big problem amongst Christian people today. The internet makes it easy to access without anyone knowing about it. I read the other day that there are about five porn websites for every other website. Because it uses the drive God created within us, we are all tempted to misuse His gift of sexuality.

I found a pair of articles that have brought a whole new perspective to me on the battle of pornography. John Thomas of Boundless.org argues that pornography is a weapon of the enemy to destroy a man's masculine heart. To keep men from living effectively for God. I encourage all men who desire to live for God to read these articles even if you are not struggling with pornography.

Boundless Answers: Alternatives to Porn, Part 1
Boundless Answers: Alternatives to Porn, Part 2

If you are losing the battle to pornography in your life, I encourage you to check out Setting Captives Free.

Obsessed

"God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment." -Blaise Pascal, Pensees (New York: Dutton 1958) p. 58

More and more I see my problem is not what I haven't learned yet, but rather the lies I have learned all too well. That God is obsessed with sin is one of the lies I have learned quite well. Sexual misconduct, drinking, and smoking He especially delights in. Once caught in sin, I grovel hoping to find something to trade with God. Something He'll find to appease Him enough to forgive me. It's hard to find something God enjoys more than a good sin to obsess over.

The truth is God doesn't obsess over sin. Rather, He obsesses over sinners. It's His desire to rescue the sinner from sin, not destroy the sinner along with his sin. 2 Cor. 5:19 says, "God was in Christ, making peace between the world and himself. In Christ, God did not hold the world guilty of its sins."* 1 John 1:9 says, "If we admit our sins - make a clean breast of them - he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing."** The Bible is full of statements declaring God's desire to forgive sinners. Like the father in the story Jesus told of the rebellious son, God is watching and waiting for the sinner to come home so He can lavish His love on him. The question I have to ask myself is, how long will I wait to go home?

*New Century Version
**The Message

What More?

A man desires to plant a vineyard. Being an intelligent man, he searches for the best ground for his vineyard. After purchasing the property, he goes to work. Tilling, planting, watering, weeding. He spares no expense or labor so he will get the best grapes possible. The work is done and the grapes are ready. He finds himself salivating as he picks the grape, anticipating it's sweetness. Bitterness shocks his tastebuds, numbing his tongue. Gagging and coughing he spits the fruit out. What has happened? Vine after vine reveal sour grapes. What more could he have done to produce good grapes?

This story told by the prophet Isaiah illustrates what God has done for me. He has done everything to restore our broken relationship. Even sending His Son Jesus to take my place in dying the death I deserve. After all of this, I find that I still hesitate to trust Him completely. I still question whether He loves me. In the midst of my doubts and questions, Isaiah asks me, "What more can he do?"

Further Along the Valley of the Shadow

Yesterday I shared a state of mind that I have been wrestling with for a few weeks. My question for today is, what is the battle I am fighting? Is it the devil himself attacking me, trying to destroy me? Perhaps it is one of his henchmen. A scene from Frank Peretti's book This Present Darkness being played out in my life, demons and angels fighting for influence over my mind. Looking at my actions, I am afraid I have been listening to the wrong voice. Fortunately, the answer is in the book. I need to pray. That's where the angels get their strength, right? If I pray for my angels, they will be strong enough to win, they will lose me from my chains of depression and everything will be right.

But is this my battle? I believe there is a battle between the spiritual forces of heaven and earth. Where, then, is my battle field? My heart, mind and soul. I am fighting to hold on to the One who can save me. The truth is I am not strong enough to defeat Satan or any of his minions. Good news. I don't have to be. Satan is already defeated. Defeated by Jesus at the cross.

So whose side am I going to be on? Obviously, I want to be on Jesus' side. I sometimes get caught up in the little bit I can see. Walking in the valley of the shadow, I see a lot of darkness and not much light. After all, Jesus never said following Him would be easy. In fact, He promised it would be hard. But He hasn't left us to face the difficulty alone. In Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

I painted yesterday's bleak, dark picture on purpose. I wanted to express the view from the window of my soul. I want to be real with people, not just putting on a happy face so as not to upset anybody. I hope the gleam of light in my writing was not missed. The sliver of hope. That even in my darkest hour, even when I felt like giving up, I was holding on to the promise God made. Yesterday's expression broke a dam in my soul. It showed me how much I really needed to connect with God--to get a reality check. It wasn't easy to get through my pain and despair so I could feel His presence. The battle was worth fighting. Once again, God proved that He will not leave me.

The Valley of the Shadow

It has been three weeks since my last post. I have been really struggling during this time. When I'm around people, I forget about my struggles and enjoy the company. People, like aspirin, kill the pain so I forget anything is wrong. But, when I return to my lonely apartment, the medicine wears off and I am faced with the reality of a hearting soul. What do I do? I find other pain killers. Instead of facing the problems, I go after the symptoms. The longer I continue killing the pain, the more the wound festers.

Why am I so afraid to treat the problem? Fix the problem, the symptoms go away and life is better, right? I find myself staring at a rope bridge spanning a canyon over a raging river. Fear clutches my mind and soul leaving me paralyzed. I know I need to cross. But all I can see is the bridge swaying in the wind. The missing boards make me wonder which of the others are the next to go. I don't want to fall.

I am afraid of reality, so I escape to a fantasy world. A world in which everything goes my way. A world where there is no pain. Maybe something goes wrong once in a while, but it is something I can handle. I never accomplish anything. I am passified. Entertained. After a while, I find myself... bored.

Now I am back to the real world. Do I have what it takes? I'm afraid I don't. In the real world, there is no bridge. In the real world I face people who I might disappoint. Others who I might hurt. Dreams I might not catch if I chase them. I could be hurt by people who get close to me.

All these things have happened before, leaving me cut to the core of my soul. I wonder, was it worth it? If the answer is no, I am left with two options. Spend the rest of my time here on earth existing. Not alive but not dead. Or, kill myself now and spare myself the trouble. Neither of these options have any appeal to me.

Truth is, I want to live. I want to make a difference. To have confidence in who I am and why I'm here. It is a dream I'm afraid is too good to be true. Why would anybody waste his time with me? I'm nobody. I have no higher education, no degree. I have no accomplishments. I have wasted my opportunities.

I would like to wrap this up with a nice bit of encouragment telling how I found enlightenment and have found my way out of this funk. I would like to say I'm back to my old self and the future looks bright and I am full of hope. Right now I feel like a failure. I know my perspective is totally selfish. I know there are a lot of others who face harder lives than I. Somehow, this perspective leaves me looking even more pitiful.

This is partly why I have not written. I have been hurt, frustrated and angy. I have nothing to say to encourage. I have no bit of wisdom to share. I am counting on my belief in God to come through for me. That He won't leave me or forsake me, like Hebrews 13:5 says. I am banking on Romans 8:32 that says, "Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son—will he not also freely give us all things?" (TEV)

Dear Lord,
I don't know what to do. I can't see You and this is scary to me. I want to know You are here and that You are caring for me. I look around and I see people who shun You and they look so happy. I have desired to live for You, yet it seems I have not been rewarded but punished. Help me to see the truth. I want to really live.

What Does it Mean to Be a Christian Writer?

This question was posed to me during my current writing class. This is my response, posted as requested...

I can’t say I have come to an ultimate conclusion on this question. I can see arguments from many angles that make sense. Perhaps I am seeing these different parts individually and have yet to put them together to see the object they are all a part of.

My first thought is of the parable of the talents. The master leaves talents with his servants to manage while he is gone. Two of the servants invest their talents and end up with double what they were given. The third buries his talent for safe keeping. When the master returns, he scorns the servant who played it safe and gives his talent to one of the others.

It is curious to me that the master does not give the servants instructions concerning the talents. He didn’t say, “Buy up on Microsoft stock,” or “Start this business for me.” Instead, it appears that he leaves investing the talents to the servants. From this story, I believe that God wants me to look for ways to invest the talents He has left me.

When the master returns, I imagine he is curious as to how his servants have invested his talents and what kind of returns have come from these investments. I see pride emanating from his face, listening to his servants recounting their reasoning behind their investments and sharing their success.

Now there is one servant the master is not pleased with. In the story, this servant was afraid of the master. This servant was afraid of what would happen if he failed. So afraid of failing that he chooses to play it safe and not risk it. In the end, he became exactly what he feared. A failure. Achieving nothing.

I believe God has called us to use our talents for building His kingdom. Whenever we step out and take a risk in investing these talents for the building of His kingdom, God is pleased. I do not believe we are without guidance in our investments. I believe there are times God desires us to invest in a certain way at a certain time a certain talent. However, I also believe God is pleased when we are creative and look for ways to invest the talents He has given us.

Is a Christian writer called? Yes. Some specifically, some as one of the options God has given for an investment. Am I personally called to be a writer? Because I see a return on the investment I have risked, I believe I have been.

The Question

"If you could do anything in the name of Christ and know that it would succeed and not fail, what would you do?"

Just the thought of such power puts a smile on my face. Obviously with that kind of power, I don't want to waste it on something small. It has to be something big, something great. Sorting through an onslaught of ideas fear begins to grow.

Fear? If I can't fail, why am I afraid?

I am afraid because the reality of my responsibility is starting to take hold. I would succeed and not fail. But at what cost? You have to understand, I have enough on my plate already. I work 40 hours every week. Sometimes more. I go to church twice a week. I play basketball one night a week. I go to class on another night. That leaves me with only a couple of nights a week for the rest. My music, writing, and keeping house. After all that, I hardly have time to relax, let alone take on a huge responsibility as this.

This is just a hypothetical question, Phil. No one is expecting anything great from you.

Sweet relief. Of course it would be awesome to something great in the name of Christ. But that's not for ordinary people like me. That's why God has chosen His holy ones. People like Elijah, Paul, and Billy Graham. No one expects anything great from me.

Now I am feeling disappointed.

Disappointed?

Why disappointed? Just a second ago I was relieved by this thought. Am I really doomed to an ordinary life? Destined to a life of watching TV, playing games, and talking about those who are making a difference? Am I a bench warmer in the Super Bowl of life?

So here I am, left with a decision to be made. Do I want to make a difference? Do I want the power to do something in the name of Christ and succeed? It will cost me. It will mean that I will be uncomfortable. It will mean that I will have to give up things that I desire. It will even mean letting go of the things I am already holding on to. The thought of giving up these things makes me sad at first. These are things that bring me pleasure and comfort in my life. I've worked hard for them. But, are they worth giving up the opportunity to make a difference?

Quote of the Week

"Living out of the false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us."
-Brennan Manning