Deep Thoughts Simply Expressed

I Just Saw Jesus on "The Biggest Loser"

2009-09-29T23:36:00.002-05:00

I was sitting on the couch half concentrating on the Economics assignment, half watching "The Biggest Loser" on TV. While Economics was my highest priority, I found a captivating story unfolding. Throughout the show, the contestants were given opportunities to gain control over the fate of themselves and others. The first choice: a two pound advantage over the other teams at the end of the week in exchange for not working with the trainers. One contestant desired this advantage for the sake of winning the game over the advantage of the trainers helping her to lose weight. The second choice: gaining control of who will represent their team in the weight loss challenge at the end of the week, if you are willing to eat the most cupcakes in a given time. The same contestant chooses the power over others for an advantage in the game.

At the end of the week, she uses the powers she has won for her advantage, hurting other people on her quest to win the game.

I can't believe this! I would never be that selfish!

Or would I? How many times have I chosen what I wanted at the cost of someone I care about? How many times have I runover someone in my race to win my prize?

One of the contestants on the orange team felt betrayed by the power weilding contestant. She feared she would miss an opportunity she needed because of a choice someone else had made. This is when Jesus showed up. The red team asked the other contestants to let the orange team stay and to send themselves home. They had a chance to fight for their right to be there. Instead, they were willing to sacrifice winning the game for themselves when they saw another person in need.

Ok, it wasn't Jesus in person come back from heaven. It wasn't an actor portraying Jesus. It was two men who were willing to display Jesus through their lives by loving with a self-sacrificing love. The orange contestant wasn't in need of winning the game. The orange contestant was in need of Jesus' love being shown to her in reality, not just words. That's how I saw Jesus on "The Biggest Loser."

Jesus 2.0?

2009-01-17T15:32:00.002-06:00

Lately I've been struggling with some thoughts. Thoughts on being relevant to today's culture. More specifically, presenting Jesus in to today's culture in a relevant way. A number of churches are scratching their heads, thinking of ways to attract young adults. Praise teams and bands, donuts and coffee, Power Point and low lights. Some churches start a young adults class to have a few sometimes come.

My question is why? Why does reaching to young adults have to be so much work? Why does the Jesus I know, the God I serve need to be upgraded for this new millennium?
For the last 2000 years, give or take a few, people have been coming to Jesus without needing to be culturally relevant. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against doing all we can to reach the lost. We need to speak to people in the language they speak. But let's look at some of our heritage and the way they worked.

John the Baptizer was not culturally relevant. In fact, he was just plain weird. He dressed differently, ate differently, lived differently. He challenged people in uncomfortable ways, calling them to change their hearts and their lives. Yet people came in droves to listen to him and be baptized by him.

Jesus Himself was not hip. He called a Gentile woman a dog. He told people to leave their parents to follow Him. He called people sinners. And still people flocked to Him. People were so changed by Him they gave their lives for Him.

As we fast forward to today, I know people who minister in prisons, to homeless, drug rehab facilities, and nursing homes. People who don't have to change their style, their dress, or their language to do these ministries and people respond to them.

If Jesus is the truth, the way, and the life as He proclaims to be, is that not what people should respond to? Church isn't meant to be a social club. Church is a place where God is worshiped. Church is a place where those who are seeking God can find Him. Church is a place where those who are hurting can find helping hands and listening ears. That is why I lament when I hear people talking about how we can bribe people to come. If Jesus and the truth isn't enough, what does anything else matter?

So I struggle with how to be relevant in sharing Jesus in today's culture. I like modern Christian music, Christian fiction, and internet media. I use these to try to share with others my Savior Jesus who I've come to love. But is it really the music, books or internet that makes the difference? Isn't it really the same God who's words people have been reading and hearing for the last 7,000 years?

I believe Jesus is still relevant today, without the need of upgrading. People who are in need of a Savior really aren't interested in whether or not they are introduced to Him by music, book, internet, or TV. What they're interested in is finding the Savior they need. Just as God designed John the Baptizer to be unique, He has designed me uniquely. Presenting the truth of Jesus in a way that is true to myself and who God designed me to be is more affective than any gimmick, incentive, or program I can scheme up.

Walking Through the New Testament

2009-01-07T18:47:00.004-06:00

It is a week into 2009 and I've decided to do something new this year. As I read through the New Testament of the Bible, I'm writing questions I ask myself about what I've read. The new thing is, I'm choosing to share the reading plan and the questions with anybody who is interested. I will be sending it out in a daily email beginning Monday, January 12. Join anytime along the way. If you would like to be included, simply send an email to:

phil_ink@yahoo.com

I will keep all email addresses private.

In addition, I've decided create a new blog, Walking Through the Bible, where I will post each day's reading and questions.

I would enjoy to have you share your insights with me as we walk through the New Testament this year.

"What do you want to do in 2009?"

2009-01-01T09:43:00.003-06:00

I looked up at my wife. The curiosity she was wearing told me this wasn't just a conversation starter.

Blank.

That's what was in my mind as I looked for the answer. I've never been one for new year's resolutions. I think they are great for people who actually follow through with them. But the few times I've tried it, I usually started falling away by January 10th and forgot them by February. But this question wasn't a new year's resolution.

In 2000, I determined to read the Bible. The local bookstore had a Bible sectioned out with reading for everyday of the year. It took me a year and three months to read it, but I got all the way through it. Finishing brought something I didn't anticipate. A sense of pride in accomplishment. I thought to myself, "I should find something new each year." The next year, I picked up the mandolin and started learning. The following year, I took a writing class and started learning.

Inside I find a struggle. Part of me wants to sit back and see what life brings. Part of me wants to take control and determine what I will bring life. Fear tells me I may fail, or people will think I'm making the wrong choices, going the wrong direction. I also fear a life of stagnation and insignificance. Then comes the question, what is it I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What was I made for? What if I'm pursuing the wrong path?

Still choices must be made and paths chosen. In the past, I have thought to not choose and have found that to be a choice in itself. It's a choice that has left me feeling empty and useless. As I look back on last year, it is easy to see opportunities missed and choices not made. That familiar empty, useless feeling rears its head grinning its vile smile. It leers at me, telling me just how no good and worthless I am. But I know this dragon is only a shadow who's only strength comes from my willingness to believe it. I don't mean to say that seeing the missed opportunities and missed choices is to be avoided at all costs. Only that it cannot rule my thoughts.

Looking back at the past year, I see a number of opportunities taken and choices made. I chose to get married and I took the opportunity to move to Texas. These choices do come at a price, but every choice does. Choosing one means choosing against another. The question is, what will I choose? How will I choose it? Will I choose out of fear? I will I choose with a determination to live life on purpose?

What will you do in 2009?

Sticks and Stones...

2008-04-25T09:27:00.000-05:00

...may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

It was 2nd grade in a new school. A group of us were thinking of animal names for each other that started with the same letter as our first. Brandon was a bear. Eric was an eagle. Phil... pig! Everybody found it funny, laughing and repeating it. Everybody except me. I was angry.

"I am not a pig!" I retorted, desperately looking for a different name. They didn't seem to notice I didn't like the name. In fact, the more strongly I insisted on not being called pig, the more they laughed and repeated it. "Pig" was an arrow to my soul, the laughter driving the arrow deep.

Dad was cooking spaghetti sauce as I told him the story. I didin't know what to do. Nobody had hurt me with name calling before and everything I tried only brought more. "Just remember, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Just because they say it, doesn't make it true."

I went away feeling defeated. The word picture was clear enough. My bones weren't broken, but my heart was wounded. Apparently, Dad didn't have a fix for that.

Last night, I was lamenting again hurtful things people had said. "Why are people so hurtful with the things they say?" I asked God. The theater of my mind was replaying samples of people lashing out with words like trapped, wounded animals. Lashing out at people who were different. Different in their political views. In views of God. Different in opinion.

As the movie in my mind continued, I realized I have been that trapped, wounded animal. I have lashed out at people I love, trying to protect my wounded soul from them. Words come out with no thought for what they mean or how they will be received. I laugh to words that wound someone's soul. Is the wounding funny? No, but I haven't stopped to think if what's been said is hurtful.

The movie in my mind came to end end. I sit in silence, pondering what I've just seen. Today, I am choosing to end hurtful, negative talk in my life. I want to build people up, not tear them down.

"May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14 NLT

Labor Day

2007-09-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

So today is Labor Day. As I spent the day not laboring, I started thinking. I started thinking, what is it that I'm laboring for? Why is it that I work? The initial answer that came to mind was so I can afford to have fun! In a way, this saddened me.

Am I living for only to be entertained?

The movies Braveheart, Gladiator, and Luther inspire me. I watch as men live for something great. They live to change the world they live in, even though it costs them as much as their own lives. At the end of the movie, I desire to live a life that will impact my world like that.

Somehow, being entertained just doesn't do that. It serves nobody but myself. And the truth is, I'm not happy with the service I've been getting.

Still, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the cost of it. As disappointing as this self serving life is, it is comfortable. The question is now, which will I choose? A life of disappointed comfort or a life that costs me, even my own life?

One day Jesus was asked about God's Kingdom. In His reply, He told them that those who cling to their lives will find it slipping through their fingers, lost. And those who gave their lives freely would find it had been saved for them.* The truth is, living for God costs everything and nothing at the same time. It costs me everything this world has to offer now, but not living for God will cost me everything He has to offer forever. When I think of it that way, I find that I really don't have anything.

Now I want to challenge you. Are you living only to be comfortable? Will you be satisfied when you are old and lying on your death bed? Will you look back and see the times in your life when you could have lived to make a difference, made an impact for good in your world and lament you were too afraid or too comfortable? Or will you live such a life that even though it costs you dearly you will stand tall knowing that you have lived and your life has mattered?

Living for God is the only life that will make an eternal difference in this world. Let's really live.

*Check out Luke 17.

A Question of Trust

2007-05-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

Can I believe God loves me and not trust Him to take care of me?

The question came as I was wrestling with whether to trust God with something important. I say I believe God loves me. I say I believe He has my best interest in mind. Yet somehow, I'm uncertain. Like a kid who is told to eat his broccoli because it's good for him, I think, yeah but it can't taste as good as cake.

Sometimes it's easy to trust God, but in other times I'm just not quite sure. I grew up afraid I would end up marrying an ugly woman. Somehow I got it into my mind that marrying a pretty woman was like eating cake instead of broccoli. That there could be a pretty woman that was also on God's approved list was unthinkable. After all, to want to marry a pretty woman is selfish. For years I wrestled, afraid to persue what I wanted and afraid to end up with what God wanted.

So we come back to the question. Can I believe God loves me and not trust Him to take care of me? Does a God who wants my best interest desire to stick me with a wife I don't want? Somehow this doesn't add up to me.

"When your son asks you for fish or for bread, do you give him a snake or a stone?" Jesus asks. "If sinful people know how to give good gifts to their children, wouldn't God who is perfect give good gifts to His children when they ask?" (See Matthew 7:9-11).

Later Paul asks, "If God was willing to give His own son to die for us, why would He refuse to give us a good gift of lesser cost?" (See Romans 8:32)

The only way I can believe God loves me and not trust Him to take care of me is to believe He's too weak to take care of me. An all powerful god who doesn't have my best interest in mind clearly does not love me. Can I look at the sacrifice of Jesus and believe God doesn't love me passionately? That He isn't willing to spare any cost to get me back?

Does God love me? Do I trust Him?

What Is Love?

2007-05-09T23:18:00.000-05:00

I wanted to write something very profound about love. I wanted to write something about love that would make people rethink what they've been told about love. But, as I sit here and pontificate, I find I'm just frustrated by the subject. I mean, what does it mean to love? Really love? In the movies, I see two people who fall madly in love with each other and wonder why that never happens to me. The guy, of whom I am insanely jealous, and a gorgeous woman are drawn to each other to live happily ever after. Sure, they have some troubles along the way. The guy says something stupid, or he thinks he sees her going for someone else. But in the end, it's usually a misunderstanding that gets cleared up and the rest is smooth sailing.

Maybe love is like the Force from Star Wars. It's something you're born with. You don't get to choose whether you get it or not, it chooses you. Once you discover you have it, the world obeys your every command. If you didn't get it, then you're sorry, out-of-luck.

Maybe love is like money. If you're smart, you find ways to earn it and save it. Some people are naturals, but those who aren't can learn. If you work hard enough, you'll make it. With exception to those who just don't get it, or who are completely irresponsible and just throw it away.

What if love isn't romantic? That's often how I think of it. Does that mean there are different kinds of love? Or is romance something I have with a person I love? As a romantic, the very thought of romance being something I choose feels sacrilegious. Romance is supposed to be mysterious. Two people who are connecting with each other with an intimate unspoken language. If I choose it, I've robbed it of its magic.

In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye asks his wife, "Do you love me?"

"Do I love you?"

"Do you love me?" he asks again. She goes on to list all of the things she does for him. Cooking dinner, washing clothes, cleaned house, raising children and milked cows. "But do you love me?" he asks.

She searches her heart to find she does love him. And he loves her.

What if love isn't an emotion, even though I have feelings about people I love? What if love is shown more in how we choose to treat each other, what we do for each other than in the words we use? What if real love costs more than money? What if real love costs part of the soul? What if the ultimate cost of love is one's life?

Who Am I?

2007-05-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think there are two people living in this body. One is positive thinking, ready to take on the world. The other is scared, always hiding where it's safe. I like positive Phil. He's fun to be around, people respect him and he makes a difference. Scared Phil, on the other hand, I loathe. He believes he has failed even before he tries. He believes people tolerate him. I want positive Phil to live and scared Phil to die.

So why does scared Phil keep showing up? How do I get rid of him, permanently? It's like he's handcuffed to me and I'm stuck with him until one of us has served his time. Why is positive Phil missing when I need him most? He comes, visits, then goes back to where ever he came from.

When I was a kid, I wanted my own section of the garden. Dad gave me a row and I planted what I wanted in my row. Tomatoes, bell peppers and corn. Having my own row in the garden meant I was responsible for the care of that row. I'd come home from school, go out to the garden and water my row. Every day I hoped to see one of the plants poking up out of the ground. Four or five days had passed, I had watered them as I was taught and still, there wasn't a sprout to be seen. I grew frustrated. This garden wasn't fun anymore. It was work. It wasn't long until I was giving my bike the attention my garden needed. My plants didn't grow well. They didn't produce much and what they did produce wasn't very good. I had a good crop of weeds, though. I wanted to have a good garden, but wanting didn't get me a good garden.

What if the two Phils are like my garden? What am I doing to nurture positive Phil? Or have I grown impatient because I haven't seen results after a couple of days? One thing's for sure, scared Phil grows, even when I'm not trying to grow him. Growing positive Phil is hard work. I want positive Phil to grow, but just wanting won't make it happen.

Dare I Be Vulnerable?

2007-03-09T23:29:00.000-06:00

"There are things I want to write about, but I'm afraid some people won't understand," a friend shared. Her statement hit me square in the soul. "If I don't say everything, it just doesn't have the same impact," she continued. "But, if I write it all, I don't want some of the people who know me to read it." So, should she write from a safe distance? Or should she pour out her heart for others to abuse?

My friend speaks for so many of us who write. Not just writers, but also artists and musicians. Anybody who invests their heart and soul into a craft. The craft is birthed of the crafter. A crafter then guards and protects the craft because it is a piece, a picture, an expression of her heart and soul. The more a craftsman pours her heart into a craft, the deeper impact it has on those who experience it later.

This has me feeling nervous. I'm afraid you won't like what you see of my heart and soul. You might laugh. You might be disappointed in me. I'm afraid when I expose my heart and soul I will be hurt deeply. Is it worth the risk? I don't want you to read about my mistakes and failures. I don't want you to see the mess I've been in. It's embarrassing. I'm ashamed of some of the things in my past. I want them to all go away and be happy-go-lucky, fun loving Phil.

Over the last year, I've shared things on this blog that are deeply personal. After posting "Through the Valley of the Shadow" I wrestled with whether I should let people read it or delete it before anybody else gets a chance. It's one thing to express the darkness in my soul, it's an entirely different thing to share it with someone else. That posting I was so afraid of people reading elicited the most response from people. But not the response I was afraid of. People shared how they were encouraged by the post and how they could relate so well to what I had written.

There are people who are starving to know they are not alone in their struggles. Dying for hope. Only when we are willing to risk sharing our struggle can we touch their lives, giving them a morsel of hope to chew on. Only when we risk, when we become vulnerable do we dare make a meaningful difference in someone's world.

Yes, there will be people who don't get it. Some of them will be friends and family. We're not writing for them. Remember Jesus went through the same treatment. His hometown didn't want to hear what He had to say. Not all of His family understood Him and His message. Where did His strength come from? His Father in heaven. He was living for His Father's approval.

Paul had a physical pain that he begged God to take from him. What was God's response? "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." (2 Cor. 12:9 GNB) What is the blindness you've been healed of? What are the chains that held you captive? Jesus came to heal the sick and to set the captives free. It is for His glory that He has healed us. Let's not pretend we've never been sick, never been imprisoned by sin. What kind of story is, I was a pretty good guy, then Jesus came and saved me? Big deal. I was dead in my sin, and Jesus came and took my place!

God uses our weakness to show His strength. Hiding our weakness trying to hide the city on a hill. It isn't for our shame, it's for His glory. Is it worth the risk to share? Yes. Is it hard? Definately. Is it scary? Absolutely! If we have died to ourselves to become alive in Him, what do we really have to lose?

Courage

2007-01-21T01:19:00.000-06:00

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die" --G.K. Chesterton

Do you ever get the feeling God is trying to tell you something? For the past four or five weeks, I have heard a consistent theme from sermons, movies, reading, and friends. So much so, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I'm a little slow and that's why God keeps repeating Himself.

This year begins the fourth year of taking writing classes and pursuing writing as something more than a hobby. After writing a piece that was published and praised by fellow authors, I have not yet submitted another piece for publication. In fact, this blog represents most of my writing since then. Truth is, I'm afraid.

Of what am I afraid? Rejection, not measuring up. I am afraid of the long journey required for me to write seriously. I am afraid to invest the time and effort, pouring heart and soul into the work so someone can tell me they don't like it or that it isn't good enough. It's safer not to write and open my heart and soul for criticism.

Last night I started reading "Germ" by Robert Liparulo to find this quote from G.K. Chesterton about courage. When I read it, I wanted it to be true of me. Immediately, I thought about my fears in writing and sharing my writing. Chasing those thoughts were others reminding me no one has succeeded without having to face fear and the possibility of failure. These are people who would rather die trying than to simply exist, not really living at all.

So, I am faced with a choice. Dig in and write with fear yapping in my ear trying to convince me of what I can't do, or listen to fear and remain in a comfortable existence where nothing changes except the calendar.

I want to live with courage and live. How 'bout you?

You Are Loved

2006-12-19T01:01:00.000-06:00

I was cruising the net when I came across this video. Being reminded that I am loved is something I don't get tired of. A week from today is Christmas day--the day we remember Jesus' birth. The day we remember that God so loved us, He gave us His Son.

A New Frontier

2006-12-12T23:17:00.000-06:00

Perhaps yesterday's post was confusing. No explaination or resolution, just a dark story. Not to worry, there's more to the story. I have decided to try my hand in penning fictional stories in addition to what I've been posting on this blog. The fictional writings will be posted on another blog. If you're curious enough to continue reading, the rest of the story will not be posted here, so you will have to make note. The address is philsfiction.blogspot.com.

2006-12-11T17:56:00.000-06:00

Flash. The momentary brightness left the darkness blacker, if that were possible. Boom. The thunder sounded on the heels of the disapating flash. Rain pelted my face, driven by an angry wind. My stomach clinched as the floor left my feet. It was not long gone, coming back to smack me in the rear. Rolling onto my hands and knees, my body convulsed, my stomach trying to rid itself of what was already long gone. I felt my scream leaving my throat as I dry heaved, but I couldn't hear it above the roaring waves.

Flash. Where am I? How did I get here? Boom. I'm alone with this ocean. This ocean bent on destroying me. Spitting in my face, beating my body, stripping me of any dignity. What have I done to deserve this?

Flash. In the split second of light, I saw the ocean around me. It looked more like the rolling hills of Kentucky than the Pacific. Boom. Which way to land? I was blind and deaf, even if I had any strength left to do anything about it anyway.

Flash. My life was speeding through my mind. Boom. Staring into the maw of this watery grave, I realized this was the end. I'm dying. Black.

Thankful: Day 2

2006-11-22T21:15:00.000-06:00

I have been truly blessed for an opportunity to grow and learn to love others better. Life Skills International has a course called Learning to Live, Learning to Love. This six month course has shown me how I have hurt myself and others for many years because of things I falsely believed to be true. For many years I have hidden from people I love because I have been afraid they wouldn't like the real me. This is a battle I continue to fight, but I now have tools and knowledge to fight a winning battle instead of losing again and again. I am thankful for the opportunity to take this class, to become healthier emotionally, to be freed to live and love. I am thankful for Living Waters Counselling, Dr. Randy Young, and Pastor Jay Milojevich for bringing this class to Medford, Oregon and being positive, encouraging influences in my life.

Thankful: Day 1

2006-11-19T23:59:00.000-06:00

In light of this being Thanksgiving week, I thought I would take this opportunity to express publicly what I am thankful for. I would love to hear your thanks, too. Please use the feedback button and add your thoughts. Anonymous posts will not be rejected, so if you're shy no one will have to know who you are. Today's subject: God.

God, I would like to thank You for being a real part of my life. I'm thankful that You're not an impersonal force, but an individual Who takes an interest in me as a unique individual. Thank You for Your promise to never leave me. So far You've kept that promise and I believe You always will. Lord, I've been hurt, disappointed and defeated this year. You didn't save me from it, but You were with me through it. Thank You. You can take anything meant for evil and use it for good. That is awesome and I love You for that. Not only are You the source of my life, You are the reason for living life. I admire that You are creative, humorous and passionate. I publicly embrace You as my God, my King and my Savior.

Broken Praise

2006-11-06T02:36:00.000-06:00

At church this weekend, I had the opportunity to hear one of the most beautiful offerings of praise I have ever heard. Andrew sang Give Thanks accompanied by piano and flute. Nothing extraordinary. A simple solo with simple accompaniment. Still, this offering is one I will not soon forget.

You see, Andrew is handicapped. At 11 or 12 years old, his body has not developed the way it was supposed to. He cannot walk. He cannot use a wheelchair. He cannot even keep himself from drooling. He is completely dependant for his every need.

So as I listened to Andrew singing with his broken voice, unable to stay with the melody, I was moved to tears. It wasn't his talent that made his offering beautiful. It was his heart and his desire to express his heart publicly, regardless of what people thought. I was ashamed for every time I have played for the people's praise instead of from my desire to express my love for God. These thoughts had barely sunk in when Andrew sang, "Now let the weak say I am strong ... because of what the Lord has done ... Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give thanks."

Seeing, hearing someone so broken, so weak singing these words brought a whole new understanding for me. I may not be handicapped the way Andrew is, but I am handicapped. Perhaps my handicap was more crippling because I was so blind to it. I have been handicapped by sin, pride, and my selfish desires. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself, I couldn't honestly sing that song. I didn't have a grateful heart.

I believe it is broken praise that God most desires. In the Old Testament, God told His people that their offerings were offensive to Him because they hearts weren't in it. He knows who and what we are. He isn't impressed by how practiced or professional we sound. He isn't Simon from American Idol looking for how our praise isn't good enough. No, His favorite offerings are broken praises that come from hearts that love Him.

What I Really Want

2006-10-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

I was reading past entries in my journal when I found this. Somehow this thinking was lost since I pinned these words. This time I have decided to declare it publicly.

I realize I have been looking all over for something to satisfy my soul. I have been a collector of stuff. I have played games. All said, I have lived so as to make my life as comfortable and pleasurable as possible. But that isn't what I really want. I want to make a difference. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to be a hero of sorts. Instead of going out and spending my life on this pursuit, I have stayed home and tried to save my life. Now I see that as I clung so desperately, my life oozed out from between my fingers leaving me without the life I tried to save, having spent it on nothing.

Lord, I want to live valiantly for You and Your kingdom. I want to spend my life living for You. Help me to see when I am living out of selfishness instead of love. Fill me with You so I can be filled with love. Fill me to overflowing. Help me to spend it lavishly.

What Does Life Mean?

2006-09-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

Meaningless. It's all meaningless. That's what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes. One man works hard, saves his money his whole life. In the end, he dies. He can't buy life. So what does his life mean? I can't help but feel hollow thinking of living my life for money. What I would have to sacrifice to achieve great wealth? Can money love, encourage, or simply give company when I'm lonely?

If I'm not living for money, what am I living for? Wealth can be measured in more than money. While money has some appeal, I am more drawn to pleasure. A person doesn't have to be wealthy to indulge in pleasure, either. I can hang out with my friends for no cost and have a great time. Lately, I've found I will choose to have fun with my friends when I shouldn't. I short myself on sleep. Laundy is left unwashed. Obligations are forgotten. Is this really what life is about? When I get to the end of my life, will I be satisfied that I had a good time?

There are so many pulls on my life. Do this, go here, buy that. The commercials always show beautiful people completely satisfied. I guess ugly fat people who are miseralbe don't inspire people to go for a product. How do I get to be good looking and happy instead of fat and miserable?

I woke up this morning with a bad taste in my gut. I had a whole day in front of my to use however I wanted. Problem was I wanted to save it, not waste it. As I hemmed and hawed deciding how to best take advantage of my day, half of it slipped away. I wanted to what I would most enjoy and now half of it has been used for nothing. I wish I could say that is only true of today. However, I see that I have lived my whole life this way.

What is the meaning of my life? The question Solomon asked. The question The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had fun with. With all the resources available to help people find the answer, you'd think this question would have been answered. Maybe my problem isn't in finding the answer, but in finally deciding to live it. I read a quote that goes something like this, "Life was meant to be spent, not saved." This quote has haunted me since I read it. I think because I know I have been trying to save my life. Today, I am deciding to spend my life on something. Not something that will leave me hollow in the end like money or pleasure. I want to my life to mean something to somebody. I want to make a difference in this world. Jesus said, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men." I hear him saying, "Follow me, and I will give your life meaning."

Where's My Easy Button?

2006-06-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the commercials with the easy button? People who find themselves in difficult situation reach for a red button and everything turns out fine. I would like one of those buttons. It would be particularly useful on days when everything is going wrong. Or those times something pops up at just the wrong time. Just one click of the easy button and everything is back to smooth sailing. The other day I saw one of these buttons for sale at the store. I pushed the button only to hear a voice commenting on how easy that was. What a disappointment! My difficulties were still staring me in the face, smirking at the Easy Button.

Life is full of difficulties. If your life is like mine, the difficulties come at the most inconvenient times. Expenses come when money is already thin. At the end of a frustrating day, an irritating person enters the scene. Without an easy fix, I sometimes want to run away and hide.

This is not the time to run and hide, but to stand. Arnold didn't get his muscles by working out only when he felt like it. Even though I know and understand this, it is when I don't feel like standing when the difficulties come. I think of 78 reasons for why its ok for me not to stand today. Lately I have found I'm ashamed of myself when I give in to fear, when I listen to my reasons and I don't stand in my time of difficulties. In the end, the difficuly didn't crush me like I thought it would. Instead, the difficulty is an opportunity for me to grow.

For now, I'll let Staples have their Easy Buttons. Not just because they don't work, but because I would rather go through the difficulty and come out stronger than I was going in.

How Far Is Too Far?

2006-06-19T23:39:00.000-05:00

To say that we live in a sexually charged society would be stating the obvious. As a single Christian, I know it's God's desire for me to be sexually pure. Every person I talk to has drawn a different line in the sand that shouldn't be crossed. So how far is too far? I found a new perspective in John Thomas' answer at Boundless Webzine. Even though his answer is being applied to sexuality, it can be applied to anything in question of how far is too far?

Boundless Answers: How Far Is Too Far?

Thirsty

2006-06-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

Empty. Nothing left. It had been full when I started my journey, but now my water bottle was bone dry. I thought I had more than I needed. In fact, I was happy to share with anyone who asked. When I saw I was nearing the bottom, I guarded it carefully. Taking only a sip now and then, I made it last as long as possible. That last drop was several hot miles ago.

"Lookin' kinda thirsty." Startled, I looked for the source of the voice. He looked as old as the dirt he wore.

"I ran out of water the day before yesterday. This bottle was full when I started out. I thought I'd have more than enough."

"How long ago was that?"

"A week ago."

"Why don't you fill it up again?"

"What?"

He cocked his head and raised one eye brow. "Well, let's think about this. Your thirsty. Problem is your water bottle's empty. Way I figure it, the way to solve both your problems is to refill your water bottle." He chuckled, I assume in reaction to the look on my face. "How long have you been walking beside this creek with an empty water bottle?"

* * * * *

I started my spiritual walk with my heart full and overflowing. I was so full up with God and His love, there was no way I'd ever run out. I shared with anybody and everybody. After a couple of years, I got settled into my walk. I realized my heart wasn't overflowing like it was, but I still had plenty. One morning I woke up and realized my heart was almost empty. There was a little left and I made it last as long as I could. Inevitably, the day came when I was bone dry. I was becoming a walking dead man. I was dying of thirst within reach of the Water of Life.

Taking time to spend with God is challenging to me. The alarm clock already goes off too early. It's all I can do to get to work on time already. The rest of the day is spent trying to keep up. Night time comes and I am so tired, I cannot stay awake for fifteen minutes with God. Tomorrow, the whole cycle starts again.

It is easy for me to forget about spiritual realities in this physical world. I'm dying of spiritual thirst while focused on things that are dehydrating me. Meanwhile, I'm walking right next to an endless, pure Source. Thankfully, He doesn't hang me out to dry. He continues to persue me, continues to remind me where real life can be found.

The Battle For a Man's Heart

2006-05-24T18:48:00.000-05:00

Pornography is a big problem amongst Christian people today. The internet makes it easy to access without anyone knowing about it. I read the other day that there are about five porn websites for every other website. Because it uses the drive God created within us, we are all tempted to misuse His gift of sexuality.

I found a pair of articles that have brought a whole new perspective to me on the battle of pornography. John Thomas of Boundless.org argues that pornography is a weapon of the enemy to destroy a man's masculine heart. To keep men from living effectively for God. I encourage all men who desire to live for God to read these articles even if you are not struggling with pornography.

Boundless Answers: Alternatives to Porn, Part 1
Boundless Answers: Alternatives to Porn, Part 2

If you are losing the battle to pornography in your life, I encourage you to check out Setting Captives Free.

Obsessed

2006-05-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

"God made man in his own image and man returned the compliment." -Blaise Pascal, Pensees (New York: Dutton 1958) p. 58

More and more I see my problem is not what I haven't learned yet, but rather the lies I have learned all too well. That God is obsessed with sin is one of the lies I have learned quite well. Sexual misconduct, drinking, and smoking He especially delights in. Once caught in sin, I grovel hoping to find something to trade with God. Something He'll find to appease Him enough to forgive me. It's hard to find something God enjoys more than a good sin to obsess over.

The truth is God doesn't obsess over sin. Rather, He obsesses over sinners. It's His desire to rescue the sinner from sin, not destroy the sinner along with his sin. 2 Cor. 5:19 says, "God was in Christ, making peace between the world and himself. In Christ, God did not hold the world guilty of its sins."* 1 John 1:9 says, "If we admit our sins - make a clean breast of them - he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing."** The Bible is full of statements declaring God's desire to forgive sinners. Like the father in the story Jesus told of the rebellious son, God is watching and waiting for the sinner to come home so He can lavish His love on him. The question I have to ask myself is, how long will I wait to go home?

*New Century Version
**The Message

What More?

2006-05-18T01:04:00.000-05:00

A man desires to plant a vineyard. Being an intelligent man, he searches for the best ground for his vineyard. After purchasing the property, he goes to work. Tilling, planting, watering, weeding. He spares no expense or labor so he will get the best grapes possible. The work is done and the grapes are ready. He finds himself salivating as he picks the grape, anticipating it's sweetness. Bitterness shocks his tastebuds, numbing his tongue. Gagging and coughing he spits the fruit out. What has happened? Vine after vine reveal sour grapes. What more could he have done to produce good grapes?

This story told by the prophet Isaiah illustrates what God has done for me. He has done everything to restore our broken relationship. Even sending His Son Jesus to take my place in dying the death I deserve. After all of this, I find that I still hesitate to trust Him completely. I still question whether He loves me. In the midst of my doubts and questions, Isaiah asks me, "What more can he do?"

Further Along the Valley of the Shadow

2006-05-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I shared a state of mind that I have been wrestling with for a few weeks. My question for today is, what is the battle I am fighting? Is it the devil himself attacking me, trying to destroy me? Perhaps it is one of his henchmen. A scene from Frank Peretti's book This Present Darkness being played out in my life, demons and angels fighting for influence over my mind. Looking at my actions, I am afraid I have been listening to the wrong voice. Fortunately, the answer is in the book. I need to pray. That's where the angels get their strength, right? If I pray for my angels, they will be strong enough to win, they will lose me from my chains of depression and everything will be right.

But is this my battle? I believe there is a battle between the spiritual forces of heaven and earth. Where, then, is my battle field? My heart, mind and soul. I am fighting to hold on to the One who can save me. The truth is I am not strong enough to defeat Satan or any of his minions. Good news. I don't have to be. Satan is already defeated. Defeated by Jesus at the cross.

So whose side am I going to be on? Obviously, I want to be on Jesus' side. I sometimes get caught up in the little bit I can see. Walking in the valley of the shadow, I see a lot of darkness and not much light. After all, Jesus never said following Him would be easy. In fact, He promised it would be hard. But He hasn't left us to face the difficulty alone. In Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) God says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

I painted yesterday's bleak, dark picture on purpose. I wanted to express the view from the window of my soul. I want to be real with people, not just putting on a happy face so as not to upset anybody. I hope the gleam of light in my writing was not missed. The sliver of hope. That even in my darkest hour, even when I felt like giving up, I was holding on to the promise God made. Yesterday's expression broke a dam in my soul. It showed me how much I really needed to connect with God--to get a reality check. It wasn't easy to get through my pain and despair so I could feel His presence. The battle was worth fighting. Once again, God proved that He will not leave me.

The Valley of the Shadow

2006-05-01T00:46:00.000-05:00

It has been three weeks since my last post. I have been really struggling during this time. When I'm around people, I forget about my struggles and enjoy the company. People, like aspirin, kill the pain so I forget anything is wrong. But, when I return to my lonely apartment, the medicine wears off and I am faced with the reality of a hearting soul. What do I do? I find other pain killers. Instead of facing the problems, I go after the symptoms. The longer I continue killing the pain, the more the wound festers.

Why am I so afraid to treat the problem? Fix the problem, the symptoms go away and life is better, right? I find myself staring at a rope bridge spanning a canyon over a raging river. Fear clutches my mind and soul leaving me paralyzed. I know I need to cross. But all I can see is the bridge swaying in the wind. The missing boards make me wonder which of the others are the next to go. I don't want to fall.

I am afraid of reality, so I escape to a fantasy world. A world in which everything goes my way. A world where there is no pain. Maybe something goes wrong once in a while, but it is something I can handle. I never accomplish anything. I am passified. Entertained. After a while, I find myself... bored.

Now I am back to the real world. Do I have what it takes? I'm afraid I don't. In the real world, there is no bridge. In the real world I face people who I might disappoint. Others who I might hurt. Dreams I might not catch if I chase them. I could be hurt by people who get close to me.

All these things have happened before, leaving me cut to the core of my soul. I wonder, was it worth it? If the answer is no, I am left with two options. Spend the rest of my time here on earth existing. Not alive but not dead. Or, kill myself now and spare myself the trouble. Neither of these options have any appeal to me.

Truth is, I want to live. I want to make a difference. To have confidence in who I am and why I'm here. It is a dream I'm afraid is too good to be true. Why would anybody waste his time with me? I'm nobody. I have no higher education, no degree. I have no accomplishments. I have wasted my opportunities.

I would like to wrap this up with a nice bit of encouragment telling how I found enlightenment and have found my way out of this funk. I would like to say I'm back to my old self and the future looks bright and I am full of hope. Right now I feel like a failure. I know my perspective is totally selfish. I know there are a lot of others who face harder lives than I. Somehow, this perspective leaves me looking even more pitiful.

This is partly why I have not written. I have been hurt, frustrated and angy. I have nothing to say to encourage. I have no bit of wisdom to share. I am counting on my belief in God to come through for me. That He won't leave me or forsake me, like Hebrews 13:5 says. I am banking on Romans 8:32 that says, "Certainly not God, who did not even keep back his own Son, but offered him for us all! He gave us his Son—will he not also freely give us all things?" (TEV)

Dear Lord,
I don't know what to do. I can't see You and this is scary to me. I want to know You are here and that You are caring for me. I look around and I see people who shun You and they look so happy. I have desired to live for You, yet it seems I have not been rewarded but punished. Help me to see the truth. I want to really live.

What Does it Mean to Be a Christian Writer?

2006-04-07T01:38:00.000-05:00

This question was posed to me during my current writing class. This is my response, posted as requested...

I can’t say I have come to an ultimate conclusion on this question. I can see arguments from many angles that make sense. Perhaps I am seeing these different parts individually and have yet to put them together to see the object they are all a part of.

My first thought is of the parable of the talents. The master leaves talents with his servants to manage while he is gone. Two of the servants invest their talents and end up with double what they were given. The third buries his talent for safe keeping. When the master returns, he scorns the servant who played it safe and gives his talent to one of the others.

It is curious to me that the master does not give the servants instructions concerning the talents. He didn’t say, “Buy up on Microsoft stock,” or “Start this business for me.” Instead, it appears that he leaves investing the talents to the servants. From this story, I believe that God wants me to look for ways to invest the talents He has left me.

When the master returns, I imagine he is curious as to how his servants have invested his talents and what kind of returns have come from these investments. I see pride emanating from his face, listening to his servants recounting their reasoning behind their investments and sharing their success.

Now there is one servant the master is not pleased with. In the story, this servant was afraid of the master. This servant was afraid of what would happen if he failed. So afraid of failing that he chooses to play it safe and not risk it. In the end, he became exactly what he feared. A failure. Achieving nothing.

I believe God has called us to use our talents for building His kingdom. Whenever we step out and take a risk in investing these talents for the building of His kingdom, God is pleased. I do not believe we are without guidance in our investments. I believe there are times God desires us to invest in a certain way at a certain time a certain talent. However, I also believe God is pleased when we are creative and look for ways to invest the talents He has given us.

Is a Christian writer called? Yes. Some specifically, some as one of the options God has given for an investment. Am I personally called to be a writer? Because I see a return on the investment I have risked, I believe I have been.

The Question

2006-04-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

"If you could do anything in the name of Christ and know that it would succeed and not fail, what would you do?"

Just the thought of such power puts a smile on my face. Obviously with that kind of power, I don't want to waste it on something small. It has to be something big, something great. Sorting through an onslaught of ideas fear begins to grow.

Fear? If I can't fail, why am I afraid?

I am afraid because the reality of my responsibility is starting to take hold. I would succeed and not fail. But at what cost? You have to understand, I have enough on my plate already. I work 40 hours every week. Sometimes more. I go to church twice a week. I play basketball one night a week. I go to class on another night. That leaves me with only a couple of nights a week for the rest. My music, writing, and keeping house. After all that, I hardly have time to relax, let alone take on a huge responsibility as this.

This is just a hypothetical question, Phil. No one is expecting anything great from you.

Sweet relief. Of course it would be awesome to something great in the name of Christ. But that's not for ordinary people like me. That's why God has chosen His holy ones. People like Elijah, Paul, and Billy Graham. No one expects anything great from me.

Now I am feeling disappointed.

Disappointed?

Why disappointed? Just a second ago I was relieved by this thought. Am I really doomed to an ordinary life? Destined to a life of watching TV, playing games, and talking about those who are making a difference? Am I a bench warmer in the Super Bowl of life?

So here I am, left with a decision to be made. Do I want to make a difference? Do I want the power to do something in the name of Christ and succeed? It will cost me. It will mean that I will be uncomfortable. It will mean that I will have to give up things that I desire. It will even mean letting go of the things I am already holding on to. The thought of giving up these things makes me sad at first. These are things that bring me pleasure and comfort in my life. I've worked hard for them. But, are they worth giving up the opportunity to make a difference?

Quote of the Week

2006-03-29T02:39:00.000-06:00

"Living out of the false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us."
-Brennan Manning

The Score

2006-03-25T01:56:00.000-06:00

"Quit keeping score altogether and surrender yourself with all your sinfulness to God who sees neither the score nor the scorekeeper but only His child redeemed by Christ" -Thomas Merton

Even after numerous sermons on grace, Thomas Merton's words pierced my heart with new revelation. It is so easy for me to see God as a the scorekeeper. I imagine Him shaking His head in disappointment everytime I fail.

"Phil, Phil, Phil. When are you going to learn?" He must say to Himself.

I have disappointed Him again. Knowing this, I look for some way to even the score. Some kind of peace offering. All those sermons on grace has taught me that Jesus isn't holding God back from striking me down with lightning every time I sin. But I still think I need to appease Him.

Then come Merton's words with the new perspective. I can't help but cry when I realize it isn't God who's keeping score, but me. He sees me as the His child, the one that Jesus died to save.

Father God,
I am so glad that You love me more than I can imagine. I know if You loved me the way I imagined You did, I would be lost. Please continue to break down my misconceptions of You, showing me who You really are. Fill me with Your love. Fill me so full I can't contain it, so it spills onto everyone I meet.
Amen.

An Irish Blessing

2006-03-18T00:28:00.000-06:00

As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.

Fear Revisited

2006-03-15T02:07:00.000-06:00

I have this reoccurring fear. I am afraid that I will disappoint the people who care about me. Once I disappoint them, I am afraid they will no longer like me. So, I do everything I can think of to please the people around me. I say I agree with them when I don't. I laugh at the their jokes that aren't funny. I agree to do things I don't have time for or interest in doing. Then when I am unable to meet someone's expectations, I hide from them. That is the easier thing to do. Better to think someone is disappointed in me than to know I have failed.

This fearful person is a liar. I do not like this person. I chastise myself for not being the person I want to be while I remain in hiding, my heart paralyzed by the fear.

Why am I so afraid of what other people think?

Reading my Bible, I find a story near the beginning about Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were hiding from God knowing they had disappointed Him. They had been friends with God. They walked with Him often in the evenings. Now, they didn't want to face Him. I wonder if they were afraid God would no longer love them when He found out how they had disappointed Him. This is my greatest fear. I fear I will disappoint God and He will no longer love me.

At first I think God no longer loves Adam and Eve because He throws them out of the garden, never to return. If that were not enough, he curses Adam and Eve causing work and child birth to become more difficult and painful. But then I read something that seems out of place. God gives them clothes. A new picture came to my mind. I now saw Adam and Eve like a couple of teenagers who have knowingly broken the house rules. God, as a responsible parent, is enforcing the rules and the punishment for the infraction. So, as these rebellious teenagers are sent out of the house, this loving parent God filled with love and concern makes sure they have clothes.

I don't like the consequences of my actions. Especially when it disappoints someone I love. But, I am finding that people don't love me for what I do. They love me for who I am. This is even more true about God because God loves perfectly when we do not. In Hebrews 13:5 He says He will never leave us or reject us. There is no condition to this promise.

I am still afraid. I think because I don't completely understand yet. But the more I look at God, the more I learn about Him, the more I spend time with Him and really get to know God, the less I am afraid.

Beauty

2006-03-08T01:26:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write something very profound about beauty. I imagined people saying, "I never thought of beauty that way before." However, it seems that what comes out is anything but beauty.

I have noticed that I haven't been appreciating beauty recently. Especially simple beauty. Instead, I have been looking far too much at ugly. Failures, disappointments, lies. Have you noticed how ugly ugly is? It only takes one ugly to ruin a beautiful day. The stranger making a rude gesture at me from the car next to me. My friend doesn't like what I spent the last two months writing. I overdrafted my bank account again. While some ugly is small and only annoying, other ugly cuts to the core of my being. The ugly I hate most is the ugly I find within. When it is the ugly in me hurting others.

Because ugly occupies my mind so much, I find myself wondering if ugly is more powerful than beauty. After all, how often does one glimpse of beauty make my day? It happens rarely. After a day full of ugly, beauty is a dawn after a long dark night. It gives birth to hope when ugly is all around.

So what is the difference? Why is it on some days one ugly spoils and others beauty restores? It comes down to what I have chosen to look at. On a day when I am being annoyed by a small ugly, I storm by the simple beauty along the path. Any of which would bring a shaft of sunlight through the dark gloom in my mind. Perhaps this is one reason the Creator made flowers beautiful. To give me a reason to stop looking at the ugly and look at the beauty.

The Desert

2006-02-27T20:28:00.000-06:00

Here I stand in the desert. Sand, sage brush and dead wood. I would call it lifeless if it were not for the carrion circling about waiting for my demise and their dinner. How do I get out of this place? North, south, east, west? I was going somewhere... I'm trying to remember... The memory is fading like last night's dream. It was important to get there, I remember that much. In fact, I was willing to die trying. But now, lost in this desert, I wonder. The desert is all I can see. My heavy pack bites into my shoulders. The vast emptiness is crushing my soul. If only there was someone, anyone out here with me. Someone who knows the way. Someone who can help me remember. Someone to confirm that I am still alive and I still matter.

Life is like this desert. Everyday is the same. The details differ, but each day has the same meaning. Looking back, these days look like the desert. Sand, sage brush and dead wood. What is the point? I went to work. I have earned money to pay for a little corner of this world to call home. In my little corner, I fill it with stuff. Books, music, entertainment. Stuff. I have stuff I haven't seen in years, but it is important to my life. Why? Tomorrow I will go to work so I can continue to have my corner and continue to buy more important stuff to fill it with.

So what is the point? Where am I going? I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the desert, pack full of stuff slung over my shoulder wondering which way to go. Truth is I don't know where to go from here. My only company are the carrion who cry out discouragement and criticism. I wonder, am I dead or alive?

Just when I have decided to give up, the disgruntled carrion scatter. A fresh breeze chases off the stale air. A spark of hope flickers in my soul. It is my friend. Joy I believed to be dead danced with life. I remember now. This journey is worth the risk. He has told me about a place full of life and love. A place where joy never ends and sorrow is left behind. I could never afford the cost of living in such a place, I told him. I was confounded when he laughed. He had already paid my way. All I had to do was follow him there. Leaving my pack behind, I ran to catch up.

I am still following him through this desert to the promised land. There are times that I'm right behind him. I sing as I walk, telling everybody about my friend and his extravagant offer. I wish I could say it was always this way, not just times. There are other times I get distracted by stuff. Something I find along the way that looks cool and is exciting for a while. I put the stuff in a pack so I won't lose it. After all, this is important stuff. It isn't long before my pack is full. I've lost sight of my friend. I have become discouraged. Eventhough I have let my friend down, he always comes looking for me. He usually shows up just when I'm ready to give up.

Thank you Jesus for being my best friend, my savior, my God.