"What do you want to do in 2009?"

I looked up at my wife. The curiosity she was wearing told me this wasn't just a conversation starter.

Blank.

That's what was in my mind as I looked for the answer. I've never been one for new year's resolutions. I think they are great for people who actually follow through with them. But the few times I've tried it, I usually started falling away by January 10th and forgot them by February. But this question wasn't a new year's resolution.

In 2000, I determined to read the Bible. The local bookstore had a Bible sectioned out with reading for everyday of the year. It took me a year and three months to read it, but I got all the way through it. Finishing brought something I didn't anticipate. A sense of pride in accomplishment. I thought to myself, "I should find something new each year." The next year, I picked up the mandolin and started learning. The following year, I took a writing class and started learning.

Inside I find a struggle. Part of me wants to sit back and see what life brings. Part of me wants to take control and determine what I will bring life. Fear tells me I may fail, or people will think I'm making the wrong choices, going the wrong direction. I also fear a life of stagnation and insignificance. Then comes the question, what is it I'm supposed to be doing with my life? What was I made for? What if I'm pursuing the wrong path?

Still choices must be made and paths chosen. In the past, I have thought to not choose and have found that to be a choice in itself. It's a choice that has left me feeling empty and useless. As I look back on last year, it is easy to see opportunities missed and choices not made. That familiar empty, useless feeling rears its head grinning its vile smile. It leers at me, telling me just how no good and worthless I am. But I know this dragon is only a shadow who's only strength comes from my willingness to believe it. I don't mean to say that seeing the missed opportunities and missed choices is to be avoided at all costs. Only that it cannot rule my thoughts.

Looking back at the past year, I see a number of opportunities taken and choices made. I chose to get married and I took the opportunity to move to Texas. These choices do come at a price, but every choice does. Choosing one means choosing against another. The question is, what will I choose? How will I choose it? Will I choose out of fear? I will I choose with a determination to live life on purpose?

What will you do in 2009?